Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Jordan Catalano

The thing is, having a crush on a completely fictional character from the 1990a is extremely fun. You know you'll never get anywhere with it, but it will never hurt and it will always be fun! The worse thing is when the fictional character is playing someone in High school... and you like him more.


Can I be you?

chocolate milk

I'm standing in the kitchen drinking chocolate milk through a windy straw, wondering if Charlie is gonna call me. I don't really know him, he really doesn't know me, but it would be fun to escape my usual thoughts for a while. Stop thinking about painful things and weird next door neighbor drama. My girlfriends and I might go to Coachella and do a WGSN Wildfox story, I want that to happen but I I don't want to not go to New York with Michael. My Mother is coming to town on Friday and I want to look in the times to see fun things to do with her, maybe she'll meet someone.

Later in the night, after we've cleaned the entire house and changed all the furniture, we notice Havana our chihuaha is missing. We search for her all over the neighborhood screaming her name. I imagine her tiny body in the mouth of a hungry coyote (she would be a delicous muscly snack so it's not far fetched) Mer and I stand on the corner, helpless. Mer says "I've seen 2 coyotes right here before. We head back to the house, and it's a good thing we left the door open cause she's back, shaking on the floor, wagging her tail.

We go to the Ye Rustic inn and eat chicken wings with Kelsey and Nathan. He just moved here from Australia and used to host some program there. It's fun to imitate him.

Tonight...what to do? I think Britney Spears music videos and drawing.


Me and Cass, Las Vegas

Dont stand so

Cass and David, Las Vegas

My Birthday

The Observatory

with Dad after the rain


Monday, March 30, 2009

Beach blonde

Saturday Kelsey Cass and I decided to pack up the car and drive to Malibu. We sprawled out in bikinis on blue, hippy sheets and pink beach towels. Kelsey brought bananas for her "banana diet", I told them about banana peels secret power to draw splinters from your skin. Matt came and sat next to us. We made fun of Scott Kahns tiny hands as he ran out into the water with his surf board, and that time on mushrooms when I almost told him his feet were teeny weeny cause I thought they weren't ACTUALLY that small. We melted coconut oil and I read Dickinson poetry out loud.
On the way home we raced through the canyon, windows down blaring Panty Raid, sipping cola. Cass fell asleep in the back and we got stuck in traffic in the valley.

photos by me

sho and jo

Thursday, Shoshanna and Joseph came to visit from Eugene, Oregon. It's always fun to be around teenagers, it makes me feel very happy. I wish my career involved counseling teens... maybe some day in the future. Sho is sooo 14, with that 14 year old attitude and perfect body. Joseph is the sweetest boy ever, he works in a tanning salon. They can both sing EXTREMELY well. I'm positive they'll both be very famous , the next Highschool musical stars.

We stayed at Jimmys near Mulholland drive. Jimmy was out of town and we hung out in the Bentley and walked up the hill to stare at the "juicy" house. "This is where one of the owners of Juicy Couture lives" We wondered why she hadn't designed her house as well as her clothing line.

coachella? Why so difficult.

Coachella is around the corner. I know I have tickets coming my way this year but I have to decide between Coachella or my neighbors premier in New York. My neighbor is lovely and cute and fun but I don't know. It's really complicated. I wish things were so easy again, like when you were 7 and sold ugly ass painted rocks down by the bridge for 50p each. Those were the days...


Today, Cassandra and I went shopping for some photo shoot things.
The shoot is vampire themed.
On Sunset BLVD, near my house, is a Mexican, witchcraft supply store.
The owner is a funny man, he speaks broken English and runs around the shop pointing at things saying, "Protection, you see, protection" he holds his fingers up like a cross. I pick out 5 cross necklaces, some black candles, dragons blood, some other spell oils, A witchcraft pendent, a homemade (dirty) $5 wooden cross, and Cass buys an entire jar of macaw feathers for $20. He adds up the items on a white paper bag, counting in Spanish then he says, "$98" and I ask for a receipt, he hands me the white paper bag scrawled with his addition. He points at me and asks, "Bruja?"

When I was 15 I used to walk to the library near my Dads house and check out all the books on Wicca, desperately trying to be unique or understand spirituality. It's funny how when we look back at things we realize how silly our choices and behavior must have appeared. It makes me wonder, do we still appear silly and immature? Are there only moments of silliness now as opposed to entire lives of it? I wonder what my Mother must have thought, watching Kristal and I pretend to smoke incense under a fort of over-sized clothes and chairs, wearing bikinis, on the front lawn. Did she smile and think, "Now there is a future fashion designer" or did she just secretly hope none of her friends pop round for a surprise visit, only to glance in on the 12 year old mess of make believe inappropriately exposed for the neighborhood?

Either way, being immature is pretty fun when you're in the moment, and I still make believe I'm a natural born witch... secretly of course.

March 17 09

On my Rayder

Be bop bouncin in Los Feliz with Kelsey and Frankie

canyon girlfriends

Kelsey got stuck in traffic and I watched a really bad HIlary Duff movie while Cass organized. I made Kelsey a mix CD of canyon songs for our "canyon excursion" She's moved into Adarshas room on Laurel Canyon and you can hear the cars go by outside. It's right next to the country store and I feel alive and magical sitting in her room. The house is a castle. We sort through boxes of her clothes and decide what to hang, fold and toss... and what to give to me. She is officially my substitute boyfriend as I find myself on dates with her quite often. Right now she is sorting the stuff out on the bed so we can go to sleep and I am writing. I watch her and pretend we are sitting inside a tent and outside we are coyotes and we stay up late into the night. I want to put on big furry boots and run through the hills here. It is almost fourth of July, I have to put together an outfit. Next week we leave for Oregon, We will play at the country fair and go crazy with love. Then we go to Bend and will hike around the lake and camp out. Then it is Emergen C festival. I hope it will all be so fun. Things I want to happen:

1. Meet new people who show me new worlds
2. Get tanner (wishful thinking)
3. Move into the big room (happening!! YAY!!)
4. Fall in love. Happen!
5. Sew costumes with Cass
6. take Stella to the best park ever
7. Go to Malibu soon
8. See Raleigh in Oregon
9. FInish the sample line with no complications
10. Make 1 million dollars this year
11. Tell Jimmy I love him
12. Propose to Kelsey
13. Have a party in the back yard with a bouncy castle
14. Learn more hula hoop tricks
15. Buy really really expensive shoes
17. Watch the craft right now
18. Raise some money for PETA
19. Go to 3 Dodgers games
20. See sex and the city for a 3rd time with Cass

JULY 2008

heat wave in may

We are having a major heat wave in Los Angeles. Everything is dry and hot and sticky as I hang up the phone with jimmy and put my bare legs on the cooler part of the comforter. I think about earlier in front of the children's hospital, waiting for a cab to go and meet Brenda and Drew at my house. I stood alone on Sunset BLVD watching traffic, white skirt, old T shirt, thinking about the future. "Will things feel less lonely?" I wondered. I don't have any answers. Stella is stretched out, belly up and I've got the fan up on high. All the windows in my rooms don't have screens, I'm sure the mosquitos will eat me alive. I say to Jimmy, "when we're done with this let's all go to Mexico and live on the beach for 12 years painting surfboards." He laughs with enthusiasm and honesty that I've only now come to know well. His trust is mine and I'm scared of everything I could lose. My room is a mess, I've spent the whole weekend out trying to escape the reality of life. I feel like I am too young for this stress, do all 25 year olds go through this? I'm starting to think it's a certain age feeling. You start to worry about your career and money and meeting someone and kids and true friends... and falling in love. Fall in love, our slogan. It's just too ironic.

I'm gonna try and sleep in this heat. Maybe I'll watch Gidget...

may 2007

Girls and perfume

it smells like toast and floral perfume, the scent is almost colorful as I pass Toree who is painting a mermaid in the living room for her boyfriends surfboard. I put an artichoke in boiling water and outside the window air mixes pink and orange like tie dye in the sky of Silverlake. Upstairs Cassandra tip toes organizing candles as Ashley naps in her white down cloud bed. I stand on the roof patio looking at the pink water balloons in the kiddie pool that the girls threw into our neighbors party the night before.
If you could see happiness it would be dark wood wrapping around candle lit corners, thin floral gauze draped and spilling across the floor. It would be milk bubbling as you pour it into a large mixing bowl, animals quiet in the sun in the front yard, a brown beautiful back curled without covers on a hippie sheeted bed in the middle of summer. If you could see happiness it would be tie dyed- maybe in the back yard of your Dads friends party 12 years old wringing out your favorite white tee that’s soaked up all the easter colors you have separated into silver bowls. It would be crying and the tears would be that small pond you remember from when you were growing up.
The palm trees are pulled hard, dancing with the wind and the remains of girls sunning lay strewn about on lawn chairs and pink towels. We invite ourselves into our own beds on a Sunday, comforter covers in the wash I underline Weetzie Bat for Cassandra.
If love could be measured it would be elastic and ever changing. It would be a trip to the moon as far as the sun. It would be like a sick body temperature rising and falling.
I wish I could see everybody cry. Maybe then we would all be human for each other real life breaking, buckling. Vulnerability, rejection, loss, happiness... I don’t think I’ll ever see boys like I see girls. All different colors twisted together and lay out like the sky.

Mandy Moore

the cat's in the garden, his fat wobbling as he paces across the grass. The tree is bare now that fall is here and I've just gone and made the horrific mistake of reading an old journal from the year of High school graduation and I'm feeling dreadfully regretful and insecure. It's fucking cold we've got the electric fire on and I've got this cough but I'm smoking a cigarette. I don't really smoke anymore.
It's frustrating when you compromise your belief system to fit within somebody else's ideals or agenda. You find yourself fighting the realist, the part of you that is very together.
Matt's at the show and I keep thinking about how he said Mandy Moore got fat and I'm looking at that stupid gray sweater he's wearing and it's too bad he's so good looking with comments like that. Erin says I can finish her drink and maybe I will because this place is tired and that journal is repeating itself in my head the desperation scrawled out in purple felt tip soaking into the lined paper screaming things I do not care to recall. I remind myself it's been 7 years and it is possible to change and i put my elbow on the wet counter and my cardigan mops up the excess liquor that's spilled from my glass. I look at the girls around me and they are very beautiful, really exquisite and my addiction to them. I want to quit everything cold turkey. I want to run away in a gypsy caravan and have no ties to my previous life. I want to have a bonfire and burn all my memories and predispositions I wan tto watch the smoke rise grey smoke spilling over the houses into the creases of the rooftops, carrying away all those lessons that make us who we are today. What if we could go back to a clean slate? 12 years old without any lessons would i feel less jaded? Less guilty about my stupid decisions? What is it about 18 year olds, it's like something just kicks in that says "be bad! BE BAD BE BAD! DO BAD THINGS" and your parents are so over it they cant even understand you anymore. As you get older that feeling dissipates and there is nothing left to do but live your life as this new person who's "learned lessons" Im beginning to think those lessons are worthless. Erin grabs my hand and we dance to the terrible swing band, she's so pretty you cant write about her or take a picture of her she reminds me of a Judy Blume novel, the character that all the girls want to be that's totally sweet but everybody is so crazy jealous of. But I dont feel jealous of these girls I am happy to be swinging around in their arms in their confident lovely worlds filled with free drinks, lists love friends cat calls blonde hair sweeping the room like it was Spain and the men wish their wives were just a little less plain.

summer love

what is it? 8:00 on Tuesday night and Im watching Pride and Prejudice for the bazillionth time and Stella is asleep snoring next to me. What do I have to say? I wonder taking caution as I imagine maybe there are dragons behind the windows chinese decorative lights pour down and paint the wall with spots of red. I was walking the dogs, we ran accross the street avoiding traffic Echo park is covered in people at sunset and the fountain hits the lake as if it were trying to be beautiful but the cigarette butts and loaves of bread decomposing in it's green murky top speak otherwise.
"You remember what it's like"
"what? Falling in love?"
"Not falling in love, just that feeling, like needing something more"
"It's been a while."
Are these accusations? I don't want to be there again I'm not sure if it's the way the air feals or the hispanic children with their ice cream looking at the white girl with her dogs and long skirt. I'm not sure of any of it.
On my patio he is smoking again but it suits him like he's not even smoking and I kiss him and curl up in his lap this is what it was I think to myself. Or In the bathroom with my sister and she's talking about Dad and I wonder when she comes if I wont be able to let her go again and she'll cry at the airport and Dad will tear up and hug her. I'm 11 again saying goodbye. Moments to bring us full circle my head fills with thoughts and questions back on my bed. Leave for home tomorrow, hopefully Keith makes roast potatoes like Dad does.

November 20 2007


Jenny is dead

The heat is worse than when we left, maybe a million and one degrees out which is interesting to say the least. I walk into my backyard to check on Jenny but she's dead. The sun pulled the life out of her, she's curled up eyes open stiff inside her little plastic house. I don't bury her I'm sick of burying animals. I sit down by the pool and listen to the morning parrot that belongs to the neighbor. Little white lies fill my head I think of Vegas and how well it went and where I am now but it's all relative. I have a pouch around my neck and I'm emptying it into my hand and I'm in my mind against that wall staring into the mirror wondering why me and he sits across from me outside and has this weird half smile thing, he looks like a friend of mine and he's talking about something I don't really wanna hear but I pretend to listen cause he's so pretty. I see right through him and words fall from his tongue like soap they have no substance just little white lies little boys. My pool is pretty cold and I'm moving out of this house on Wednesday so I try to take it all in. We spend the weekend falling in pools and dancing at the Roosevelt. Our slumber party at the tree house turns awkward with Black and White cat stories and I trace the cross on Chris' back with my finger and we all fall asleep upstairs and wake up with sweat running down our faces. Juice mission through Pasadena and we're back at the pool watching back to the future on the projector and everything feels hot and lovely."
september 4 2007 blog, my hamsters death

hairline cracks

"My heart is like a teacup coverd with hairline cracks. I feel like I have to walk real carefully so it wont get shaken and just all shatter and break... As the cab drives along the highway from the airport into manhatten I shake my wrist so that the skeletons on my charm bracelet do their bone jig. Looking up at all the big buildings and seeing the crowd scurrying along, I know what Weetzie meant about her nerves and the skeletons. New York is not a Weetzie city. Weetzie is a kid of the city where movies are made and it's always sunny, where Marilyns ghost rides up out of her spiky birdy footprints to dance on beams of light with red lacquer dragons in front of the chinese theatre, and james deans head star watches you at the observatory like a fallen star somebody found and put on a pedestal; a city where you can only tell the seasons by the peonies or pumpkins or poinsettias at the florists." -missing angel juan

picture http://tijgermelk.blogspot.com/

10 things

10 things that will make everybody happy

1. Jaws while eating chocolate ice cream

2. Running through the rain without proper shoes or jacket.

3. National Geograhic (basically anything they do)

4. Kissing in the kitchen

5. Photo booth cramming

6. Vandalism (tagging etc.) especially if you never do it.

7. kittens when they haven't opened their eyes yet

8. dressing like a crazy person

9. Strawberry wine

10. Laughing till you cant breathe

Mr Darcy

"The tumult of her mind, was now painfully great. She knew not how to support herself, and from actual weakness sat down and cried for half-an-hour. Her astonishment, as she reflected on what had passed, was increased by every review of it. That she should receive an offer of marriage from Mr. Darcy! That he should have been in love with her for so many months! So much in love as to wish to marry her in spite of all the objections which had made him prevent his friend's marrying her sister, and which must appear at least with equal force in his own case— was almost incredible! It was gratifying to have inspired unconsciously so strong an affection. But his pride, his abominable pride— his shameless avowal of what he had done with respect to Jane— his unpardonable assurance in acknowledging, though he could not justify it, and the unfeeling manner in which he had mentioned Mr. Wickham, his cruelty towards whom he had not attempted to deny, soon overcame the pity which the consideration of his attachment had for a moment excited."

What ever happened to eye contact? Let alone marriage proposals...

Los Angeles